The Rev'nooer Shoots Back

Act I, Sc. I

Exterior: Outside a tax office.  A dozen or so protestors with anti-war placards march back and forth, shouting rhythmically but incoherently.

A young man in rumpled business attire emerges, carrying a clipboard with many pages.  His sleeves are rolled up and his hair is moist with perspiration.

TAX MAN
Hello, uh, excuse me?

PROTESTOR #1
Yeah?  What do you want?

TAX MAN
I’m Wade Keston, one of the junior relations officers here at the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency, and I’ve been asked to—

PROTESTOR #1
The what?  We thought this was Revenue Canada!

TAX MAN
Well, it was, it is, but the name changed a couple of—

PROTESTOR #1
Hey, fellahs, we’re in the wrong place!  This guy here says this is customs!  We want revenue…

TAX MAN
No, no, wait, wait wait… you’re in the right place, you’re in the right place.

PROTESTOR #2
Yeah, so?

TAX MAN
This is in regard to a tax protest… is that correct?

PROTESTOR #3
Damn straight!  We object to our tax dollars being used in the war in Afghanistan, and we want it stopped now!

SFX: General cheering from protestors.

TAX MAN
(over crowd)
Well, that’s what I’m here to address!  You see…  you see… we here at the agency are a little… if you’ll forgive me… sick of hearing about how everyone does or doesn’t want their share of their huge, voluminous tax bill going to this, or to that, or to the other thing.  So… I’ve come out here today to tell you all exactly where your tax dollars are going.

PROTESTOR #2
Huh?

TAX MAN
You see, it’s very simple.  You’re all under the misapprehension that everyone pays some equal percent of their taxes to everything the country funds.  No, it doesn’t work like that.  See, we just earmark the dollars to the projects as they come in.  So I’m here to tell you where your dollars go.

PROTESTOR #1
But… but how can you do that?  You don’t know who we are…

TAX MAN
No, not to look at you, but you did present us with a petition when you arrived this morning with your names and towns of residence on it.  It’s not really that hard to cross-reference.  So, the boys and girls in accounts receivable have been busy all morning just to make you happy.  Now what’s your name, for instance?

PROTESTOR #1
Me?  Uh… Bill Lavordeyer…

TAX MAN
Of Moncton, New Brunswick?  Let’s see…  Hmm…  Says here that your tax dollars are mainly earmarked to pay for the chemical castration of a repeat sex offender in Abbotsford, British Columbia.

PROTESTOR #1
What?

TAX MAN
That must give you a warm and happy one, huh?  Well, you have absolutely no say in the war in Afghanistan… because you’re not paying a penny for it!  You might as well go home.  But, you can console yourself with the knowledge that you’re making Abbotsford, B.C., a better place in which to raise a daughter.  And you, sir!  What’s your name?

PROTESTOR #2
Colin Ferrucci… Woodbridge, Ontario…

TAX MAN
Hmm…  Ah, here we are.  Yeah… says here that for the past seven years, you’ve been helping to fund a study into the mating habits of freshwater drum fish in Lake Winnipeg… for which no reports have yet been forthcoming to the Department of Fisheries and Oceans.  Wow, you must be so glad your money’s not being pissed away on something trivial like attempting to rebuild an entire country, huh?  Okay, who’s next?  You, ma’am?

PROTESTOR #4
Um, Lorna Dovorski…?

TAX MAN
Dovorski, Dovorski…  Lethbridge, Alberta.  Right.  Ahh, yes.  You’ll be pleased as punch to know that you’re helping to provide the town of Chibougamau, Quebec, with a statue of their hero, former premier Jacques Parizeau.  Cigar, wine glass and all.  Wow, Lorna… that’s a lot of brass.  Kinda gets you right here, huh?  And who’s next?  How about you, sir?

PROTESTOR #3
Uh, me?  No, I’m, uh… I’m nobody.  Not interested.

PROTESTOR #1
Mac Leblanc.

PROTESTOR #3
Shit!

TAX MAN
Mac Leblanc.  Mac Leblanc…?  Mac Leblanc!  Oh, you’re Mac Leblanc?  Wow!  Well, I mean, according to our records, you haven’t filed a return since… let’s see now… niinnnneteeeennnnniiiinetttyyyy…  …1990!  Wow, Mac, have you got a major pair of stones on you to stand here in this crowd!  Oh, hey, wait here just a minute… I’ve got about a dozen guys just dying to meet you…

PROTESTOR #3
Shiiiiiittt--!!

Protestor #3 drops sign, runs..

The End.