Great Moments in Starfleet History #471

INT. SUBTERRANEAN CAVERN

KIRK, SPOCK, and DR. MCCOY, phasers drawn, move stealthily
and slowly through a dimly-lit cave, obviously wary of some
enemy.

The transporter sound effect is heard. In their midst, a
small flaming bag materializes on the ground. Kirk
immediately moves to stomp out the fire.

DR. MCCOY
Jim! No!

Kirk stomps on the bag. There is a loud pop. McCoy and Spock
are spattered with a thick, dark effluent.

KIRK
(looking shocked)
My God... it went up the inside of
my pants...

DR. MCCOY
I tried to tell you...

SPOCK
Fascinating.

CUT TO:

INT. THE TRANSPORTER ROOM

SCOTTY and the TRANSPORTER CHIEF are doubled over with
laughter. Scotty holds a bottle of liquor and pours the
Chief another glass. They both take a drink. Scotty staggers
over to the transporter platform with another bag, takes out
his phaser, and aims it at the bag. The scene freezes.

A text overlay appears, reading:

ON STARDATE 3209.1, STARFLEET COMMAND INSTITUTED THE
"FLAMING SHIT BAG" TRANSPORTER FILTER, REQUIRING ITS USE ON
ALL CONSTELLATION CLASS STARSHIPS; AS A RESULT OF WHICH,
EXPENDITURES IN DRY CLEANING AND BOOT POLISH DROPPED
MARKEDLY.