George Bush: Tribute to Helen Keller

Today I would like to celebrate the life of one of our most inspiring citizens, Helen Keller. Born a healthy girl with ordinary senses and potential, she was tragically robbed of her sight and hearing by an illness in infancy, sealing her in a world of silent, impenetrable darkness. No one could reach her. Not until the bravery of one teacher, Anne Sullivan, whose patience, love, and violent physicality finally won out, and opened up the world to young Helen. Who could forget those uplifting scenes from The Miracle Worker, watching Anne Bancroft and Patty Duke beating the crap out of each other? If only there'd been some mud handy... But I digress, whatever that means. What I mean to say is that Helen Keller is an example to us all. Or at least she was, until she grew up into a feminist commie book-writer — three strikes against any woman — and, sadly, had to go to Hell. But I choose to put the focus on the early, successful part of her life, and not the satanic slide into literacy and activism. It was her story that inspired our own plan for Iraq. Yes, thanks to proof we have that you can slap some sense into anyone, your sons and daughters are now dying in their thousands to beat Iraq into a better place... though not one that will write feminist, commie books! [Chuckles with receptive Republican audience.] But what more proof do you need than me, the President of the United States, standing here before you today and saying you can be blind, and deaf, and still be a success. God bless America. Thank you all.